Why Won't Anyone Help Me?
Why Won’t Anyone Help Me?
Planning a Wedding is very stressful for mostly everyone involved, especially the Bride. In my experience from meeting with hundreds of Brides almost all of them have said the same thing “Nobody is helping me.”
I wish I had a dollar for every time a Bride has said “He isn’t doing anything, he won’t even help pick out the music!” Sorry gentlemen but in this case the “he” is in fact the Groom to be.
Let’s start with the music. More and more I am hearing couples say they are arguing about song choices. This is so sad to hear, the choosing of your music should be a fun event. When my Wife and I decided it was time to pick the songs for our wedding we took an evening and made an easy to eat dinner, had a beverage or two of our liking and laid out a blanket on the floor in front of the stereo system and listened to songs, ate dinner, and had fun picking our songs. We had some debate as to what the better choices for some of the dances were but for the most part we took the time to hear what each other was saying about the songs and why those songs were important for each of us.
Of course, there were some choices by each of us that were just not acceptable to the other, for instance I wanted to enter the reception to Turbo Lover by Judas Priest (yes pun intended lol) but there was no way a fun, classy lady like my wife would ever agree to that. So instead of arguing we compromised and found many song selections that fit us both. Oh, did I mention this was before YouTube or any other internet site that made it easy to listen to every song out there.
Guys, one thing rings true with most Brides they do not need your help. But that does not mean that they don’t want your help. They are worried that you won’t like the music, the decorations, the timing of events and so much more. I almost always agree with the Brides in this area because this day is as much for the Groom as it is for the Bride.
I had a chat with a soon to be Groom once and he said, “I am paying for everything, isn’t that enough?” No, no it is not enough. Guys, it is easy to open a wallet or checkbook and pay for things. The hard part is making everything that was purchased work for your special day. Trust me guys, the last thing you want is your soon to be Brides memories of your wedding to be negative and painful. Look at it like this, ten years down the road and you are remembering something nice about your wedding day and bring it up to your wife this is what the conversation could be-
Groom- Hey Honey, do you remember when those little kids came on to the dance floor at our wedding and joined us dancing to our first song? Wasn’t that sweet?
Bride- Oh, you mean when those little kids joined us in the dance because I was the one that picked the music for the dances because you didn’t help? Do you even remember our first dance song? While we are at it, what were our colors for our wedding? What were you doing when my girls and I were putting up the decorations? Oh, and don’t even get me started on how You wouldn’t help decide on anything but then you complained all night about everything that you left for me to take care of.
Trust me guys you do not want this conversation to take place, ever.
Guys, the ladies I have had the honor of meeting through the years are most of the time miracle workers. Come hell or high water they will get this wedding to happen with or without your help. But that doesn’t mean they don’t want your help. A little bit of understanding and help goes a very long way. Even if you say something like “Hey honey, I know you are busy with everything. If you don’t mind I will pick the songs for these events and see if you like them.” With that last sentence we have just opened a whole new can of issues.
Brides to be, from the guys that I have talked to on so many occasions I hear “I have helped, I have offered to help but no matter what I do she isn’t happy with it or she gets mad at the choices I have made.”
Ladies, I know how guys think and if they do offer help or help and then are slammed for the help they are giving they will not help anymore. They will feel that you do not respect their time or decisions. Keep in mind ladies, men are men, we are not going to have the decorating skills that you ladies have.
We will not have the sentimental reasons for liking a song like you do. When it comes to food if we can eat it that’s pretty much good enough for us, it doesn’t need to be pretty. This is where you need to explain yourself and show examples. Don’t assume that your soon to be knows the color wheel. If you need to have a specific shade of pink or blue give him examples that he can take with him. If there are pictures to help you show your guy what you are talking about use them. Most guys are not even remotely close to having the thinking of a wedding planner nor do they want to have it. If we offer to help communicate with us the type of help you need and give us very clear physical examples that we can revert to, so we can get what you want.
The general rule of thumb is the people in your Bridal Party are supposed to be helping as much as they can. Most of the time it turns out to be the Brides parents that are helping the most or a sister or best friend.
The planning process sometimes gets discombobulated with others wanting to help. Their intentions are very good, but you also need to communicate to these people exactly what you are looking for and want. Do not assume that just because you have been friends with someone for twenty years they will know what you are talking about. Take the time to show those that are helping you what your plans are and what direction you are going with the help they are providing. The easiest way to hear “if my help isn’t good enough do it yourself” is to get mad at those helping you. By having a clear, explainable vision you can avoid so much stress in planning the wedding.
Delegate! I cannot say that enough delegate, delegate.
Find out who in your Bridal Party is willing to help and what tasks they may be best suited to handle. Just because you asked an individual to be part of the wedding does not mean they have the slightest clue as to what to do. Talk to them and let them know what role they will be playing in the planning and setup process. Let them know when you ask them to be a part of your wedding that you need help. I have heard many Bride’s Maids say, “If I had known she just wanted me to work for her when she asked me to be in the wedding I would have said no.”
Communicate to each person in the Bridal Party exactly what you need help with. Set times that things need to be accomplished by. Do not say get your dress before the wedding, say we need to have all the dresses purchased by this date. If someone is performing tasks for you be cordial but also be specific on when those tasks need to be done. If they are aware of the stipulations, then they can in turn tell you if they can do it or not.
Do not let someone else take over and over rule what your plans are for your Wedding Day. I have seen it more times than you would believe. A Bride is upset because of the decorations, the venue setup or something somebody else did for her.
Make sure everyone involved is very clear that this is yours and your Groom’s day. This is not a time for anyone to decide what is best for you unless you need or want them to. This includes everyone from your Maid of Honor, Best Man, Mothers, Dads etc.
I met with a couple to do our meeting and help them with songs that they were having trouble picking. The Grooms Mother was at the meeting with us. Every time I asked a question to the Bride or Groom she answered it for them. I could see form the looks on their faces that her answers were not even close to what the Bride and Groom were wanting.
I finally had to say to Mom “I know your heart is in the right place and you want what is best for the kids however, this is their day and these choices need to be their choices not yours. I am sorry, but I will only be playing and doing what the Bride and Groom want not anyone else.” Of course, she was very upset with me, she reminded me who was paying for this wedding and I politely said; “I am certain the kids are very grateful for your generosity and help with the wedding however, no matter who pays me I am still working for the Bride and Groom and if you cannot accept that than you need to find a different DJ and Minister.”
Unfortunately, they spent the rest of the evening saying how sorry they were for Mom’s actions and how she was treating me. They said she was like that with all their vendors until our meeting. She did end up leaving us alone and let us finish our meeting. She didn’t speak to me after that. But the Bride and Groom were more than pleased with how the Wedding turned out and how it was orchestrated.
Delegate and assign tasks to everyone willing to help. Who is helping setup the venue? Who will be helping tear down and clean up the venue after you leave?
Who will be cutting the cake up for your guests? Who is helping you get ready for the ceremony? Who will be helping you with your dress when you need to use the rest room? Who oversees your personal belongings? If something is forgotten who will be going to pick things up?
Make a list (there are many lists already made on line for you to use) of exactly what you need to do for your wedding day. Take advantage of these lists. Add to them what you need to so your day goes just how you want it to. Make sure everyone knows exactly what their tasks are, so you have a go to person in case something falls through.
With proper planning and delegation of tasks your Wedding Day can and will be exactly what you have pictured in your mind ever since you thought of it when you were a little girl.